Just trying to keep up

I came into the world at the wrong time. I was an IUD gone wrong. My mom tells the story of how in the weeks after I was born, as she was struggling to nurse me and care for my one year old brother and three year old sister, my father decided he wanted to have a big party. As he tried to discuss all the arrangements with my mom, she says she remembers listening to him and an overwhelming feeling came over her. According to her, it became apparent at that moment that there was something terribly wrong with their relationship.

My early life was stressful. My parents fought with a bitter intensity. Though there was certainly a lot of love and care given to us in those early years, we were living in a hostile environment. I learned early on that it was important to just keep up. I didn't ask questions, I just followed my older brother and sister and did my best at being happy.

When I went to school, I used the same strategy. I daydreamed and retreated much of the time and then looked at what others were doing. I always did okay. I was smart enough to ask or copy from the right people. I was rarely engaged in what we were doing but if others around me were doing well, then I did too. I had to keep up with others, that was my motivation. I never wanted to outdo my classmates, I just didn't want to be noticed as someone who couldn't keep up.

As an adult, I feel there are Superwomen all around me, and I just can't keep up. I see women who juggle full-time jobs, 3 or more young children families, aging parents, health regimes, and they have bright smiles on their faces and they're eager for new challenges. Fortunately, I realized quite a while ago that I can't keep up with this. My body won't let me. Unfortunately it's always hard to know your own limits. When I take on too much, my body reacts and then grumpiness and sadness set in, and I become so self-absorbed, I just want to hide away because I don't want anyone to know that I can't keep up, I'm falling behind.