What are Friends For?

My awesome friend Julie is a tough Scot. Like many from this fair land, she barks and growls but is also loving and sweet at the same time. For her, if there’s something the matter, you do something about it and if you can’t do anything about it then you go get yourself some whisky and drink yourself silly and then get on with it. She is very practical and at the same time very empathetic. When I tell her that I’m unwell, I can see her eyebrows twitch like she’s feeling my pain and then she always offers some sweet words encouragement. But there’s another side I see when I talk to her about my illness and it’s a mixture of fear, and perplexity.

She is certainly someone who values stoicism with a shot of humor. I love this about Julie for it makes her a pillar of support for many difficult situations. But since my disease is a chronic issue, I am somewhat reluctant to discuss it with Julie. As there is no acute problem, I fear she will see my plaints as whining.

I believe that people without illness fear illness. It’s a lot easier to put on that hospital gown the second time. When I go into a hospital, I am prepared to shut off and give myself over to the medical staff. I’ve accepted myself as a patient and have learned to do this. Many people I know have never had to do this and the thought of being in this position makes them very uncomfortable. I know that Julie is very afraid of sickness and when she tries to sympathize with me a lot of fear comes up.

Another reason for my reluctance to discuss my illness is that she just can’t get it. The fact is unless you have first hand experience with illness, then you just can’t relate to it. Not only do you not relate to it, you don’t want to relate to it. Being sick is not what my friends want to talk about.

I like that my friends see me as a healthy person but it does cause me to hide an important side of myself. An old friend of mine from elementary school started having many health issues in her late teens. She would often go on about her aches and pains and medications and I swore that I never wanted to be like that. But the fact is, sometimes, when you are ill- that’s all that it’s about, you have nothing else to talk about.

So when I am at my worst, I don’t go to Julie or any other friends for support. I really don’t feel they have much to offer since they just don’t know how I feel. If I really did need them to be there for me, I know that they would rise to the occasion, but so far it hasn’t come to that.

I am curious to hear what other people with chronic illness experience with their friends. What is a good friend when it comes to having a chronic illness?