what is this shit, anyway?

I have crohn's disease. A few nights ago, I was struck with this incredible drive to start this blog where I would open up about my disease and bring my thoughts and experiences out in the open. I jumped out of bed and chose a name, and a URL. But once I got over this initial excitement, I then started thinking realistically about what I am going to say. What angle do I want to take? Do I want to make it a humorous blog detailing the potentially embarrassing races through town trying to find a bathroom? Do I want to make it a blog about coping with crohn's, with a focus on therapies and treatments? Or did I want it to be a spiritual blog all about my healing journey?

Humour is excellent medicine. I am certainly someone who has a great appreciation for fart humour, but it's not the taboo or disgusting aspect of the disease that I am feeling I need to open up about. When one is first diagnosed with crohn's, it is an incredibly bizarre time as you are forced to recount details of your bowel movements, have objects and appendages stuck up your anus, tubes shoved down your nose, and you are asked for samples of everything! At 15, I think I had to see the humour in this, it was my survival skill. People who are able to joke about this aspect of the disease in creative ways are my heroes, but alas, I don't feel I can make a great contribution here.

During my search through the "crohn's" blogs out there, I saw a few that focus on treatments, and though I see the usefulness of these blogs, I really didn't feel that writing about this would feed my soul in any way.

Then there's the spiritual journey blog, that would feed my soul, right? It just didn't feel right... though I love the idea of seeing my disease as a blessing and a part of me that I need to love, I really don't feel I'm there yet. I went to bed as I was coming down from my creative high (thanks prednisone;) ).

I woke up the next morning, and had an aha moment, I worked it all out in my sleep... I would write about my journey to the journey, I would write about how I feel about being sick. For now. Do I want to spend my whole life writing about being sick? No. Is it really healthy to write about being sick? I have a therapist who tells me I have to stop seeing myself as being sick. As she points out, "look at yourself, look at how healthy you are!". And I do see this but I also see myself as sick. At the moment I feel compelled to explore this aspect of myself for a little while. It's the part of myself that I am always trying to hide away from everyone, it's the part of myself I feel ashamed of.

So, for now I am letting go of some shit. Maybe soon I will have a blog with a prettier name and more positive outlook... I hope so.